I definitely need to travel again soon – my fingers and brain desperately want to write about something, but for lack of anything interesting to write about, I’m starting to fall back on old, strange topics. Since I figure anyone who has been reading my blog entries has already determined that I’m definitely a little on the weird side, I thought I would confirm that by letting one of my deepest, darkest secrets out to the blogosphere:
I’m a garden gnome collector.
Please don’t unsubscribe or delete the blog URL. I’m sorry. Don’t tell your children. But anyone who has followed me on Facebook has seen my gnome related posts before, and eventually, word would likely have spread.
I currently have 21, maybe more, gnomes scattered about my yard, some hiding behind plants, others holding welcome signs, and a few awaiting repair in my garage. My gnomes do require painting every few years. (See photos below).
It’s hard to keep track of the exact number – I think they replicate. I’m not sure how since they appear to be all male, and I’ve never seen either a female or baby gnome yet. There have been a few gnome losses through the years – this was the worst one – drowned after a vicious attack by a squirrel.
It all started decades ago in Colorado – Jan and I had bought a really nice home when we moved back from Virginia, and I discovered two weather-beaten gnomes, abandoned in the weeds in the back yard. I’d never thought much about buying garden gnomes before, but these poor guys just looked incredibly sad, so I decided to adopt them. Jan just sort of shook her head a bit. She knew what would eventually happen. This is how her father’s frog collection started. We still have a few of those in the yard.
We were in the midst of a major rework of the backyard, and from that point on, every time we went to a garden store, another gnome magically wound up in the shopping cart. And then friends noticed our collection, and started gifting us even more gnomes. Soon, we even had solar gnome garden lights. I was past the tipping point.
I managed to control gnome growth for the next few years as we moved back and forth between California and Colorado, but after I retired, and we settled in Gold River, I discovered Gnome Central aka Green Acres Garden Center. OMG. What were they thinking?
Even worse, over time, the habit spilled over into Christmas. Yes, there are holiday gnomes as well.
Well, I finally had to put an end to the uncontrolled growth of what was rapidly becoming a Gnome Incursion in my yard, when a friend gave me a copy of this important, little known expose on Garden Gnomes. They are terrorists!
I have since negotiated a peace agreement with the leader (Hernia), promising to hold off on notifying Homeland Security and levying tariffs on future gnome purchases, as long as they remain peaceful in my yard. But you have to wonder if this incursion has already reached the highest levels of our government. Who is the head of Homeland Security? KRISTI NOEM! Frightening.
The Gnome Gallery
The Traveling Widower 