December 24, 2025
Last year-end, I had not started the blog yet, and posted my somewhat depressing year-end summary on Facebook. This year, I’ll bore an even larger audience with a Facebook and blog post, and also append my more introspective (read that as depressing) version on the journal page. I’ll try to keep this one a bit lighter, but given my current state of mind, I make no promises. Here goes..
With the end of 2025 rapidly approaching, I’m looking back at my first full, calendar year without Jan. She died in the spring of 2024, and the remainder of that year is still something of a blur for me. Those first 8 months were an endless struggle, dealing with the intense grief of losing my soul mate, readjusting my life to being alone and handling all the things that Jan took care of, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. As I stated on that year-end post, 2024 was the worst year of my life, with 2023 being a very close second or at least May through December, when Jan had been diagnosed and was slowly wasting away.
This year was not as awful, in that I was able to get into some kind of routine on a day by day basis. Some books on grief describe the process as finding your way through a wilderness. I’m still losing my way frequently, since there is no roadmap to follow, or maybe I was always holding the map upside down.
But I was able to move forward with what have become the major focuses of my new life – photography, travel and, oddly enough, blogging. Huh? More on that in a bit. The travel highlights for the year were many, including the following trips:
Yosemite – a spur of the moment trip, spurred by my complete boredom in January, with nothing better to do on my birthday. The first since Jan passed. It turned into a really peaceful, almost religious experience for me, sitting by myself in the mornings at the base of Yosemite Falls (below 0F). I’ll probably try to do this every year.
Chasing Whales around Baja – my second cruise adventure. This one was a bit easier than the Galapagos trip in terms of socializing, although I had quite a few meltdowns towards the end. It is just so hard being with so many strangers, most of whom are with their partners.
Whales and Hummingbirds in California – there are some dates which are still hard to take – the date Jan was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, our anniversary, and Jan’s birthday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are not too great either. This year (2025) would have been our 50th anniversary, an event we were already planning for before Jan was diagnosed. I was dreading that day in August, along with the first anniversary of her passing. So, I decided to skip town, and do something we both enjoyed – whale watching, and viewing the hummingbirds at the UC Santa Cruz arboretum. Both trips were sad, but also a release for me. I got to see friends who lived along the coast and in the South Bay, and was somewhere Jan absolutely loved – the coast.
Road Scholars / Hiking in Red Rocks country – something different. A hiking trip in Utah, with Road Scholars. I managed the hiking OK, and did OK socially since there were a lot of singles in this small group. I went off on my own to Kanab Utah afterwards, and had a fun time hiking, one on a guided tour. I wound up afterwards in Thousand Oaks to visit my cousins and stopped at the cemetery – that was very hard. My longest overall trip to date. Fifteen days away from home.
Alaska – Another bucket list trip that Jan tried to get me to go on years ago. I had some amazing moments, just watching sunsets, or the incredible views of a perfectly still ocean, reflecting the sky and surrounding mountains. I did have some issues connecting with people on this trip, but I survived. And brought COVID home with me. Blah.
Colorado – I had forgotten what it was like to be around close friends, and to be able to talk about Jan, my situation, and just about any topic, with real people instead of texting on my iPad. It was a healing ten days. I also did some amazing hikes, including the Manitou Incline. Makes me want to move back again. But not do the incline again. Once was more than enough.
California Short Trips – a mis-diagnosis from lab work ordered by a neurologist, forced me to stay local for most of the summer. Rather than sit around moping and worrying about what might come next from a cancer diagnosis (it wasn’t), I started going on short trips in Northern California, where I could make it home in a day. Yeah, Sacramento is boring, but there are some interesting state parks, hikes and even caves to visit. I also did a short trip to San Francisco, to visit Alcatraz, and a hike in Sequoia National Park. And an epic drive out to the Mojave Desert.
California Caving Tour – As part of my “stay local” period, I somehow wound up doing a “Cave-a-week” tour of public caverns in Northern California. It was fun but a bit tiring from the driving. The trips gave me something to write about for my blog, and kept me busy. It also reinforced my decision(s) to focus on travel – it seemed to help my brain to rewire – fewer meltdowns and more of a forward looking attitude.
Antarctica – the last trip of the year, and probably the most exciting. It started out as a stressful time due to the government shutdown, but that all worked out and the trip was the best of the year. Jan would never have gone on this one – way too cold for her. It was an unbelievable experience.
I guess it is pretty amazing what I’ve done in a year given my overall emotional state of mind. That was an amazing amount of travel, to a lot of really different places, domestic and foreign. What I find now is that I have perpetual happy feet – every time I see something online about a place that interests me, I add it to my ever expanding ‘Places-to-visit’ list. I’m constantly thinking of where I want to go next. I just finished binge-watching a series on Apple TV, about two guys (one is a famous actor) who do these epic motorcycle journeys – the one I watched, ‘Long Way Up’, documented their trip from my new favorite city, Ushuaia, to Los Angeles, on electric motorcycles. I’d love to see some of the places they stopped at in South America, and understand why they were sad when it was all over. That’s me now.
My other hobby, photography has turned out to be more of a support for the blog than as a primary focus of my travels. Why? I’m not that good at it, and I have not really spent the time I should to get better at it. I’ve invested a small fortune on new gear, but unlike the better photographers in the club I belong to, I do not spend enough time really learning how to use the gear, and to curate images afterwards. I spend more time writing about my travels, and include the images in my stories rather than just focusing on creating the best image possible for competitions. There’s nothing wrong with that – I enjoy it.
And then there is my other new obsession – blogging. What started out as my private grief log, has morphed into my public outlet for all the strange things that cross my mind each day, as well as a place to relay my travel stories and photographs to friends, family and strangers. I have always enjoyed writing, and now that I have an endless amount of time on my hands, it has become my fallback for keeping my mind occupied, when I’ve run out of mundane tasks to keep myself busy now that I’ve painted all the closets in the house. I still have the garage ceiling to paint, but I’m saving that task for emergencies.
Aside from documenting my trips, I also continue to unload my thoughts on other topics in a journal page – no expletives, just whatever crosses my mind about the stages of grief I’ve experienced, or in some cases, some things that happen to piss me off on any given day. Somewhere along the way, I may pull the many pages of journals and blog posts (and maybe the Book of Sam) into a book – maybe with a focus on travel, my grief journey, or some combination of both. Something else to keep me busy when I’m not wandering around the globe. Who knows…someone may even publish it.
So what’s still been missing in my life? Pretty much everything of importance to me. Jan, and the full life we had together. I still miss her every day, and some days the grief still hits me hard. I can honestly say there is little if any joy in my life anymore, and I do not see it returning in this lifetime. I’m reconciled to that understanding, as well as accepting that I will be alone most of the time. Sometimes I think that there really is that one person in the world you were meant to be with. That was Jan.
So what’s in store for me in the new year. Probably the same as 2025, I’ll just be a year older and crabbier (get off my lawn!). But I will be extremely busy with more adventures:
Baja Jones – glamping with the Grey Whales again, this time sleeping in a hut on the beach. It’s an upgraded hut, with an en-suite shower. Almost like the Ritz-Carleton….during a power outage, without room service. Or rooms. Or heat. Or air-conditioning.
Panama Canal/Costa Rica – I missed out on the Wave lottery again for March, so decided to fill the time with another NatGeo cruise. Lots of birds, snorkeling in Costa Rica, and hiking in rain forests.
Iceland – a land tour, not a cruise, and I’m going early to visit a giant magma chamber (a cave in another country!!) and maybe snorkeling in the freezing rift zone.
Kodiak and the bears – the weirdest trip of all. Giant, man-eating bears, close-up. Hopefully not that close. Once I have my knee fixed, I should be able to outrun at least one person.
Patagonia – another Geographic cruise in South America, on the sister ship of the Resolution. Maybe I’ll use the hot tubs and sauna this time. More insane flights and I wind up in Ushuaia again. But thankfully, no Drake Passage. And the possibility of more and different penguins.
Sea of Cortez – Christmas in Baja, but on the other side. I have no idea why I’m going on this other than to get away during Christmas. And maybe another shot at photographing sea lions. I’ll try not to jump on top of one this time.
I left some of spring 2026 empty, intending to try for the Wave again, and do more exploration of the Utah/Arizona parks and slot canyons. I also intend to head north in California to the areas around Mt. Shasta and Lassen. Lave tubes! I’m already scheduling for 2027, which may have the last of my crazy type adventurers – I’ll be 75, and may have to begin acting my age by then. So far, I’ve got a winter trip to Churchill Manitoba to see the Northern Lights and freeze my ass off, a photography trip to Madagascar, which I’ll extend to an African Safari, and another penguin cruise to the Falklands and South Georgia Island. Back to Ushuiai again on that one. I should buy a condo there. Or one of the cells in the prison. This one looked comfy.
I also booked another trip to Iceland, this one focused purely on photography. I’m looking at return trips to the Galápagos Islands, and maybe an extended Arctic trip (Greenland, Northwest passage). And if I have the time and energy, a trip to Australia to a location where you can swim with Humpback Whales. That’s high on my bucket list. Maybe 2028 for some of those.
So you can expect many more photo’s, more strange travel stories and unfortunately, more AI generated images of my alter ego. And maybe I’ll start that online store to sell Traveling Widower paraphernalia. (Just kidding). I did make a couple of mugs for the fun of it.
I’ll probably get a bit more serious about figuring out where to live. There is no real rush on that since I hate moving, especially without my favorite real estate agent (Jan), but this house is something of a burden, and it’s filled with too many memories. The question is , where would I go? Back to Colorado, somewhere on the California coast? Maybe get a place in a retirement community in the desert? It might be nice to eventually settle in a place where I do not have to do any yard work, and have a single level home again.
Or maybe I’ll just give in to being a hermit, and buy a condo in Hawaii. If I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life, I might as well go somewhere I can just sit on a beach, watch sunsets and breaching whales and drink martinis. Nothing wrong with that. And maybe I’ll get a Golden Retriever too. Great companions. Except for the hair and drool. Bark! Down Clancy! Stop chewing on that!
OK so this is getting more than a little bit weird, once my AI generated image shows up. And now he has a friend. Sorry, when I’m alone at home, that’s my normal state of mind. Besides, like I’ve said a few times already, it’s my blog.
I wish anyone who reads this a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I really do appreciate the fact that some folks find my blatherings to be worth the time to read and comment on.
Peace be with you.
The Traveling Widower 