I know that I already said this would be a light and somewhat humorous blog, but every now and then, I need to use this as an outlet for my ever evolving grief….as long as it is related to travel. Sorry….it’s part of my life. And as I’m sure you noticed, the URL is a combination of travel + widow. I’ll keep this relatively light.
During the time I was caring for my wife, watching her decline, I often wondered what my life would be like after she passed. Glioblastoma has only one outcome, so you have to deal with the inevitable, what we called the gorilla in the room. It never went away. I never had a clue as to how I would handle her death, and what I would do afterwards. But after coming out of shock, which lasted a month or two, I got to talking with a couple of widows, and both recommended traveling, especially since it was something Jan and I did and enjoyed together. And something my wife specifically told me to do.
That first summer after she passed was something of a blur – I was really lost (not that I know where I’m going now), but I was doing anything to try and find some direction and purpose in my life from day to day. I had started to look at places I wanted to visit, but could not get my act together. Until I had an offer to visit my friends in Colorado – that was like having a dinner of comfort food – like meatloaf or macaroni and cheese (yum). That was a stress free offer, other than flying, staying with best friends in a house Jan and I lived in for 3 months. Surrounded by people who care. Plus, an opportunity to do something I know that helps to relieve stress for me….hiking, being outdoors. For almost two weeks, I was able to focus on something other than the grief of losing my wife. I did not stop missing her, it’s just that the pain was dulled.
So that opened the travel door for me. Once I got home, I immediately booked a couple of trips – a Galapagos Island trip with National Geographic/Lindblad in November, and another trip with them focused on Gray Whales in Baja, Mexico. Now I had something to look forward to all of a sudden, and something to focus my time on. Aside from travel arrangements, there were so many things to keep me busy – shopping at REI to gear up for the different activities on these trips, studying the material that NG provides for the trips, shopping for snorkel gear (mostly neoprene…very cold water), and creating packing lists – these were really adventures for me, doing things on my own for the first time in almost 50 years. Was I still grieving – of course. I was still attending counseling, still having emotional issues and periodic meltdowns, but I now had filler for all the emptiness I dealt with every day. It was not a replacement for the life I had with my wife, nothing will ever be able to do that. But it was a step forward, in the right direction.
The advice I received from the two widows was spot on for me. I found that there were always a small group of compadres, other widowers, on each of the trips, and for many of them, travel was now a key component of their lives. Many had been on multiple National Geographic trips, as well as expedition type trips with other travel companies. It may seem like you are trying to run away from your troubles, but this is a step towards figuring out what Life 2.0 will be. For me, travel also jump-started my return to another hobby – photography, something I used to spend a lot of time on. More shopping, at camera stores! Aside from buying new gear, I spend a lot of time now organizing and curating the hundreds of photo’s I take on these trips. A good reason to invest in photographic software like Adobe Lightroom and Photoshop. Most of the trips I’ve scheduled are photography focused, so if you catch my drift, I’m going to have a lot to work with going forward. And of course, there is this blog – another hobby to keep me busy, and a place to share the results of my photographic efforts.
I guess the answer to the question I posed at the start of this post, “why do widowers travel”, is complex, and really depends on the grief journey a person embarks upon. For myself, traveling, and all the associated activities it spawns, have helped to refocus my scrambled brain to all the tasks at hand, and creating all new memories from the adventures. When I’m aboard a National Geographic ship, meeting like minded people and seeing new and amazing places, I believe my brain begins to heal and rewire, breaking the endless loops of bad memories from my wife’s awful, last few months. And as I continue to schedule more trips, even just shorter trips locally in California, I have something to look forward to, and prepare for. I know some widowers focus their lives on children and grand-children if they have families. Other’s dedicate their lives to charities, giving back to communities. This is what works for me. You sort of get to a point in the grieving journey where you ask yourself, as Jack Nicholson blurted out in one of his films, “What if this is as good as it gets?” I’m not sure yet, but for now, it will have to do.
I mentioned in the introduction/Home page that I had maintained both a journal and a blog, focused on grief – neither were made public for a very good reason. Both were just a place for me pour out my pain, anguish, and frustration for the loss of my wife – neither were suitable for public consumption.
My brain has rewired in the past 6 months, and I’ve toned down my journal entries – now they are more about changes I notice in my life style or day-to-day routines, encounters I’ve had with other widowers, or just general observations on being a widower. So now I’d like to add these to the blog, but not as posts which are mailed to subscribers. Not everyone really cares about my musings on this topic. So, if you are interested, I’m maintaining a min-blog on a separate page – no notifications, but if you are interested, the button below will get you there.
The Traveling Widower 