August 16th, 2026
Tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up to another one of “those” days, one I have marked on my Google Calendar as a memory day. August 17th was our wedding anniversary, and in this case, it would have been 51 years. After the first 25, or maybe 30 years, it became less of a thing. I bought her flowers and Jan ‘surprised’ me with a box of chocolate covered cherries. No other gifts. But we did go out for a good dinner every year, typically to whatever our “Cheers” restaurant was in whatever city we were living in. Here in California (Post-retirement), it was either Land Ocean, and then South Fork after they moved our favorite staff members to that newer restaurant. We usually ordered something other than our usual fare of hamburgers, and brought a really good bottle of wine along, which we shared with our server. We were always given a nice dessert on the house, which at South Fork, was a huge slab of an incredible ice cream cake. Jan usually took a bite or two, and I somehow managed to finish the rest.
Our last anniversary together was our 48th, and Jan was in the midst of the chemo and radiation treatments. She was handling it pretty well, and we did get to have a semi-normal anniversary celebration, and had dinner at South Fork. The chemo did not seem to affect Jan’s appetite – she ate over half of the ice cream cake. I was happy to see that. We still had the false hope that all Glioblastoma patients have, that maybe they would be the 1 percent that beat the predicted outcome. Jan really thought she would make it to at least our 50th, maybe more. She did not get close to our 49th.
Last year, I ran away to the coast to avoid being home, did some wildlife (whale, otters) photography, and had a lonely dinner by myself at a hotel. I think I’m past that now. Maybe I’m just used to eating by myself after 2+ years. It sucks, but that’s my life now.
I’m not really sure how my day will go tomorrow – I guess I’ll find out when I wake up and remember what day it is. I’m sure there will be a lot of sad moments, maybe a breakdown or two. That happens a lot anyway. I’ve got a lot of busy work to do, preparing for my next trip, and maybe I’ll take a long walk on the trails. This will be a good experiment – if it does not work, I’ll go back to running away next year, as I’ve done for most of the other “those” days. Whatever works.
Blog or Journal? How I Decide
This post was targeted for my journal but I decided to share it publicly on the blog, even though it has absolutely nothing to do about travel, and all about my being a widower. So why post it?
I started journaling the last few months before Jan passed, as a means of venting my anger/frustration/pain. The posts were not for public consumption, and I continued this daily spleen venting for the first few months after she passed. Writing is therapeutic, and is recommended by most grief counselors. After a while, the daily entries were more thoughtful about the grieving process, and I turned the journal into a blog – but never made it public. But when I began traveling, it morphed into the Traveling Widower, with the grief journal converted into a page of my thoughts on grieving, and sometimes, on my reactions to key dates such Jan’s birthday, our anniversary, or the dates she was diagnosed or passed. Why do I let these slip onto the blog?
First of all, I am not looking for sympathy – I don’t need it, and do not want it. I’ve learned to just say thanks when someone says sorry for your loss, or tells me how well l’m doing. It’s not about me, but all about Jan’s legacy, as her oncologist used to say. Jan was special to me, obviously, and she will live in my memories for as long as I exist. I don’t expect anyone else, even her closest friends, to think about her much, especially as time moves on from her passing. So once in a while, I’ll post some thoughts about her, maybe with a great photo, and hope that some of her friends will think about her for a bit.
And tomorrow is just one of those days I’d like people to just think about a good memory about her.
Peace
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